Dead Inside?

Am I a Vulcan?

Or Chandler Bing?

A Volron?

My wife calls me “dead inside” emotionally. She gets it from Friends where Chandler can’t cry and Monica is trying to get him to cry over anything. Well, this is something that has been explored over the years. In CPE they said that I had an issue with death/ grieving and put me on “reaper” duty. Essentially whenever I was there I was paged for all the issues of death and dealing with families in grief. Basically I hung out with families that were dealing with the loss of a loved one and many times brought the family to see the body for the first time. I am unsure what they were looking for me to do, break down and start crying? Or freak out? Their goal was to have me finally deal with the grief of past loved ones. Ok… I thought I did that in my own way, but apparently not according to my verbatim.

A couple of days ago I was going through my twitter stream/ Facebook and saw some news that grieved me. It is amazing how social networking brings you close to people that you have never met but feel close to with their updates, blogs, or other internet sources. In many cases you know more about what is going on in their lives then your own families. You celebrate victories together and support one another through through tough times. The post was about a loss of a pregnancy. Through  the next couple of days the internet response has been tremendous. When I first read the post it brought me back to a almost two years ago when our pregnancy ended tragically. The rush of feelings came back over me in a way that I did not expect. I grieved with the parents that had just lost their babies and also over ours that had so much potential.

I may be good at explaining the progression, signs, and process of the grieving process and what to expect, but doing it myself is an entirely different thing. Or maybe I have gone through it and then an event brings me back to that place full of emotion. I am not sure but the events from this past week has left me in a weirdly funky mode. Time to not dwell on it but let life continue on. Perhaps I am not dead inside after all.

Lord hear my prayer.